Slowly Falling Apart
by laneydaze96
Summary: A short piece about Reid succumbing to schizophrenia. Mentions of self-harm, nothing graphic.
1. Reid

This story is very different from my usual stuff. It isn't meant to be fun, entertaining, or light-hearted. It is a small way to raise awareness for mental illness in the CM fandom.

And to those who are reading my story Alone, I am not giving up on it! I'm just feeling some major writer's block. Hopefully some angst-ridden one-shot writing will help. succumb

Very serious. I caution, mentions self harm, may be triggering. Severe mental illness is also in this story.

Reid had always had the fear. Ever since he was a child, whose entire existence after his father left was taking care of his mother, he was scared of inheriting his mother's illness. He has voiced his concern to a few team members. Morgan, namely, and Garcia, his two closest and oldest friends on the current BAU team. He had known Morgan since he first walked into the BAU bullpen, nearly plowing the handsome agent over when he was hurriedly jogging into the busy room.

Reid had seen a few doctors, when the headaches came. The fact that it could be a symptom of stress generated by mental illness upset him heavily. He reacted how he always did when things were looking bleak; put up his shield, and became defensive.

But when nothing was helping the blinding pain in his head, he began to fear for his sanity.

He really began to worry when he had trouble sleeping. Normally, people who begin to exhibit symptoms of schizophrenia never notice what's going on. They even blame other people, and insist that there is nothing wrong with them. But when you are raised with self-awareness of the illness and are overly cautious of your own mental health, you can notice it in yourself. Reid began to notice differences in his personality, as well. Being a behavior specialist didn't help to relax his self-awareness.

He knew that the team also noticed his withdrawal from them. The noticed how he would prefer not to hang out with them, given the choice. How whenever they decided to go out to the traditional Chinese chain restaurant, he blatantly refused.

He ignored social opportunities and situations. He even stopped going to the library, and his favorite coffee shop. It was too loud and crowded in both of those places, too many people.

He knew these were all negative symptoms of schizophrenia. He also knew that these were the worst, not like the hallucinations and delusions that everyone assumes are the really bad part of the disease. Hallucinations and delusions can be helped with medication. The personality changes were permanent. His personality, who he was, was forever tainted.

Lately, Reid was acting severely apathetic. Someone would make a joke, and he would have a straight face, and simply act as if it wasn't said. Reid's mother died, and Reid barely showed any emotion at all during that time. He flew out to Las Vegas, and, under the insistence of Hotch, took a few days off. People could think that he was being cold, when really, he just couldn't express what was going on inside. The team tried to reach out to him, but they recoiled more and more with every rejection.

The worst symptom, before the hallucinations and delusions began, was the word salad. He couldn't talk, he had an idea of what he wanted to say, but the words would just get backwards and messed up when he talked. Sometimes, he would be talking, and he would just stop mid-sentence, getting a 'mind block.' His thought process would just stop. And he would just stare for a few moments. People would notice, and even though they would pass it off as just 'spacing out', they knew better.

Reid saw as all these symptoms came together and began to really show what he was becoming ill with. He was too smart not to notice. But he could pass it off to the team as him just being upset over his mother's death.

But he couldn't hide it from them when the voices started. The voices would read verses from the Bible, commenting on his every move. Anything he did was a sin, and he was heavily criticized for it. They began to warn him of other people, who were evil, influenced by the devil. Reid knew that they were just delusions, but he couldn't help but feel the paranoia they inflicted on him.

They were always there, always making noise and being loud. Once, when he accidentally cut himself in the kitchen, he noticed they became silent. So he began to inflict wounds upon himself, to make them quieter. Cutting eventually didn't work, but stabbing his arms with screwdrivers seemed effective. He never wore short sleeves out in public anymore.

On the subway to work every day, he noticed people staring. Always at him. And whenever they would whisper, it was about him. They knew he was who he was. They were planning something, but he could never figure out what it was.

The team never noticed until Reid was very ill. Finally, it was too much. One day in the round table room, the voices quoting, the team talking, the dead girls he saw in the photographs, it was all too much. "Shut up!" he yelled, covering his ears. His team grew quiet, shocked at his outburst. But the voices that Reid heard only gained volume, overpowering his rationality.

"Shut up!" he yelled again, grabbing his ears.

"Reid?" said Morgan, panicking. "Reid, no one's talking." Seaver looked around, not having the slightest idea on what was going on.

Hotch watched his agent grimly, realizing instantly what was wrong with Reid, realizing what they had been trying their hardest to ignore these past few weeks. Reid's coldness lately, his quick retorts, and how he refused to see them outside of work.

Reid has schizophrenia.

I honestly don't really like this story, it's too sad for me. I hate the idea that Reid might actually get it in the show, (which I don't think he would) so I wasn't too keen on writing this. But I did anyway.

If you know someone who talks about self-harm or suicide, please talk to someone immediately. If you don't, then there may be no one to help that person. If you know someone who may be exhibiting signs of delusions, hallucinations, or severe behavioral changes, talk to them, or tell a trusted adult or professional.

If you are truly worried that you may be suffering from a mental illness, don't be ashamed. Get help! People will be there for you. Talk to a close friend, a family member, or, for adolescents, talk to a high school counselor.

Do not flame, please.


	2. JJ

Creating and passing on lies and forged stories had become something out of habit for JJ. They had become even more far-fetched from the actual truth ever since she had begun working for the Pentagon. She had learned how to keep her face composed, how to keep a straight posture, and to weave words into a calming effect. But with all her practice, all her expertise, she couldn't help but break down, just for once, when Morgan and Prentiss had contacted her and told her the news.

Because for JJ, she needed to break down. She needed to be able to let everything out, all her frustrations, all her worries. With the amount of secrets and stress she had to bottle up with her job, she was going to get worry lines the size of the Grand Canyon etched on her face.

She met them in the coffee shop, the one that they had often gone to before work at the BAU, for what seemed like ages ago. She had ordered the regular, a Mocha Latte with a chocolate éclair on the side.

Sitting silently in her seat, she leaned forward, putting her elbows on the table, soaking in what Morgan was leading up to. She listen as they told of his absences, his odd behavior, his cold demeanor. She slowly realized that the calls that he refused to return weren't because he was being an ass hole. He was sending a silent plea for help.

She listened when Morgan couldn't continue, and Prentiss told her what happened in the round table room, during the procedural briefing that used to be her, JJ's job. It was JJ's job to give the briefings, and as she did, she always watched her team. She always made sure that they were reacting normally, and she always knew if there was something other than the grisly crime at hand on their minds. She would have known if something was going on with Reid. She would have realized.

And finally, she listened as they both told her that they had to have Reid admitted into a hospital, for as long as it took for him to be functioning again, if ever. She listened as they told her about how the forced Reid into his deepest fear.

She couldn't hold in all the emotions anymore. The dam broke, with one single tear finally spilling out of her eyes, followed by more. She let all the frustration, regret, and guilt out, for the first time in months. She felt Morgan's hand on her back, she felt Prentiss pulling JJ into a hug, telling her how she understood. But Prentiss couldn't understand. For as much as Prentiss loved Reid, she couldn't understand how JJ missed Reid. Reid, who was her little brother, her shoulder to cry on. Prentiss couldn't understand that the weeks of work at the Pentagon were unbearable, because Will just didn't know how to let JJ vent like Reid could.

And even though there was an empty hole in her life ever since she began working at the Pentagon, she couldn't help but feel as if the hole just got a whole lot bigger.

I'm wondering if I should add more to this or not. It was originally going to be a one-shot, but this little plot bunny visited me. It's short, but it's how I think JJ would react.


End file.
